Toyjunk-The Dolphin

  I am a singer.

    Without battling an eyelash, I will say it again. I am a singer.

    Don’t have the notion that I can put Regine Velasquez run for her money for I can’t reach those high notes without a difficulty. Don’t negate yet for you may dread the fact that I don’t sound like Martin Nieviera. Don’t laugh in ostracization for I can’t move like Gary Valenciano. I can sing. That is enough.

        After my stroke in 2001, I stopped singing. I have stopped crooning during weddings and during programs. I even stopped humming those tunes, thinking I lost the flair for notes, I believed I have lost the penchant for a melody. In times that people would ask me to sing, I have a readied answer. A big no with a big gesture of swinging my head from left to right. As a matter of fact, I reasoned out that I have completely forgotten how to do it. I have forgotten singing.

     During the recent college days, a twist of event happened. I was directing a presentation that afternoon when out of the blue, Mrs. Calzado brought out the idea that I should sing in the cultural show the next day. Surprisingly, I gave her an unsure answer. She remarked that it has been long time that she had not heard me sing. I just told her that I would try to see if I can make it.  was sure I was not singing. I just tole her the uncerntainty to stop her bugging.

    Weird, an incident happened earlier. I was making fun singing a Martin Nievera’s song in the AVR while waiting for our show . Kenneth, a student, commented that I sang well. I was secretly elated by remark. I needed that. I joking sang for more.

     I went home. I was contemplating about the events that afternoon. I carelessly asked for a minus one tape from my brother. I was expecting that he couldn’t give me one. All our tapes had been worn out. Amazingly, he got the old tape of Ariel Rivera. The song "BiglaNG BIGLA" caught my attention.I knew the song with all my heart. I played the song. I sang it. I knew I had to sing it. There was something that is telling me to sing it the next day. I had decided. I was singin the song but I was afraid.

      That day was long and busy. We had our story telling show. We won second in the talent expo. I should have been tired but I was not. I was excited. I had a last minute recall of the song in my mind. I was waiting for the program restlessly.

    My number in the program was near. I was getting nervous. Randal eased me out by helping me dressing up. As the time went by, I became rattled of the fact that I was singing. I was getting afraid as time drew near. I was now unsure if I had to do it.

     My cue was given .I would be next. My heart was pounding. I was nervous. My hands were trembling. I hid the lyric sheet. I told myself to be ready.  I was given the signal. Lights were out. I walked shakingly. I got the microphone. The spotlight lit. I smiles. I heard the score. The audience were quiet.

    My first notes were shrill and unsure. Out of the blue. Claps roared. People were swooning. I got the heart. Words were comin out perfectly. I knew the song. I was perfect. I was doing the performance of my life. People were responding well. They liked my sing. They liked me.

    After my song, people came to me. Remarks of excellence were overwhelming. Randal, who is a singer. remarked that he never expected me to do that excellently. Yes, that was a performance. People talked about it for a week.

     Weeks from that experience, I can just recall the experience with a big grin. It is only now that I realize why I did such fact. I sang with my heart. I was singing the song for a person who made me realize the person I am.

    That moment, I sang. I was a singer. My heart sang the tune of my heart. Its music can only be explained the wonderful weaving of experience. 

     I sang. People heard my heart singing that afternoon.It still resonates. It throbs.

    "Biglang bigla nakita ka, Buhay  ko ay nag iba. Biglang bigla pinawi mo…Ikaw pala ang mahal ko."

      Everyone thinks that I am getting better for I look thinner. A healthy sign. Others would judge.  They would call me skinny. I like it. I get a perception that I am becoming a super model with my looks. Weird and crazy. The truth is. I have been sick. I know I am sick. Let me tell you the story. Let me start wih  magic word,    

     " Eschemia"

         My eyes grew large as I looked at my ECG results. I knew something was wrong. I have been hyper ventilating. Endling panting follows short walks. I knew something was wrong. Unfortunately, I still had to see our school dctor the next day for the routinary check up. I was too bothered. I researched at the library and found out the meaning of the findings. Eschemia is an irregularity of the hearbeat. Oh no. I was dying. (Of course that over reaction is a norm for a worrier like me.)

    That night was the longest. All night, I was muttering the word eschemia. It kept on reverberating on my ears. My heart beat in  pounding mode, repeating eschemia, louder…louder. Oh God. I wa dying.

    I woke up. Actually, I did not sleep. I took a bath with eschemia on my mind. I travelled to school with my sense focused on eschemia. I did my daiy routine with the pre-occupation, the sickness I didn ‘t understand. Oh God! I was dying. I was sure.

     Nothing much had happened that morning. Or it was better to say that the same thing happened in that span of time of waiting the doctor. I thought of eschemia. It was killing me the wait. Oh God. I was dying.

       The time arrived that I had to see the doctor. I was trembling .I couldn’t move on my place. I approached the doctor with reluctance. My voice was cracking when I asked him about his diagnoses. Eschemia was  still on my mind. I was sure that I was dying. Oh. God. Death was coming.

     The verdict came like an arrow heading into my heart. Eschemia was a sign of a heart attack. He advised me to see my cardiologist. I had to see her immediately. Oh God. I was dying. Death would befall me. It was horrible. I was not ready.

      I moved out of the clinic  with a heavy feet. I decided to see my doctor at the very moment. "Eschemia" still in my mind but now piercing my worries to the hilt. God! Not now. I don’t want to die.

   That afternoon, I saw Dr. Canela. The wait was long. I ws praying hard. I was conditoning myself. If she would tell me that I would die. I would accept it. I would just prepre myself. Then the good news was  broken. She shed light to my worry. She told me that I worry too much. My condition of eschemia had been around since I already had a stroke.She had my 2D echo and found out thet my heart is still normal. Oh God. I was still not dying. I could only mutter words of thanks to the Lord.

   I realized that worry would not do good for me. I better try to understand things first before I react. Oh God, I was dying and I almost died because I thought so. Fool me.

     I just pray that you continue praying for me for courage. I still am fighting for  lot of worries. My aversion with medicines result to endless vomitting and nauseus bout. I can’t eat enough. I am  losing weight . Imagine, even steaks which were my favorites does not entice my appetite. The worse fer is haunting me . I got bulimia. I got this because of my careless dieting. I am getting tired of being sick.

      Oh God. I am dying. Oh not. I can bear   this. Just bear with me in this predicament.I know I will. I am a survivor.

          I seem to look great. I am thinner. They tease me with the name Kristine Munchkin,the name  is like a  parody of  the supermodels Gissele Bundchken and Kate Moss. Funny, If only they the difficulty.I would not want to be a supermodel, worse a junkie. Spare me. Pray for me.

      I looked straight at the mirror and saw the difference. My goal of shedding pounds has taken noticed. Overwhelmingly, I gave myself the widest grin. It was a success. I am losing weight. I am looking better. I am becoming healthy. Oops. The last sentence got tangled in my uvula. I am not getting healthy. I am blatantly lying.

     Losing weight ordinarily would mean I am on the way to the pink of health. The truth is I am not. I can’t describe the pain of vomiting that I experience every morning as I eat. If I am young, I would probably be accused that I am bulimic. You might have the notion that I stopped eating much because I am afraid to grow fat. Partly, that was the reason. I am actually haunted by the fact that someone told me that I lack self control. I hate people accusing me of such irresponsibility. So I told myself that I will stop eating. I did and I do.It was painful.

    The pain of dieting gets the toil of my health. First, it was the aching stomach raring for food. Next, it was the dizzy spell for the lack of sleep because of the decreased carbohydrates. Then, the weakening limbs for the lack of energy. Worst, depression engulfs my being as I get disappointed by the sacrifices I have made. I am in for dilemma.

     I can’t describe the agony of the difficulties I encounter. I am losing myself. My friends accuse me of insanity as I go through this calvary of the goal to be thin. They would not understand why I bear all of these. I have to. This is a process wherein I can make myself whole again. I have to undergo this deconstruction to later rebuild myself to a new me. I believe that I will be better as I learn the hard road of life.

     Don’t worry. I will never self destruct. What I am going through is a transformation. I am in a hibernation to have a new me. The start of building my new self image is seing the beauty in myself. Good news! I faced the mirror and saw my reflection of my beautiful self. You will see soon. I see the beautiful me. It is a start.

     Surprises are such accidentals. We are simply caught unprepared. Worse, we would not know how to be happy. It was dreadful. Dumbness becomes normal.

    I thought this morning was ordinary. I lay lazily of the faculty room’s sofa I was waiting for my financial management class when Ms Rafa, one of my english teachers in the area, came. I greeted her showing my lethargic aura. The morning has not been good. I woke up late despite my late sleep. The worst thing was I vomitted that morning (Vomitting has been a habit for unknown reason) I rush to school that morning. I finished my oral report at about 8:30 am. My energy ws drained to the hilt.

    Ms Rafa then told me that he saw Renin (The cute student aid of the chapel, a marillac grantee). He was texting. She accused me that I was his textmate at the moment. I vehemently denied it. She prodded me to text him.

    Brought about the boring ambience of the arm morning, I texted him. That was the most sensible thing to do amid boredom. I teased him in the sms that I am hurt of the fact that he was texting and I was not his textmate.

    The text I sent had no goal.  I just wanted to while the time. I was even expecting for a reply People nowadays hs lean to save their peso. A nonsense text deserves not even a glance. After 5 minutes,  I got a surprise of my life. Angel (another student aid) came with a yellow flower. He gave it to me. He told me that Renin asked him to hand the flower to me.

    At that moment, I would not know if I will shout or scream . I would not even know if I want to jump. A remark of desbelief clearly spelled out from my trembling lips. I was uncertain of what to feel. I just knew that  I was happy. Renin had injected zest in my dull day. He was so kind nd so sweet. He made the effort which was unexpected. I love Rinen. He is kind.

    Rinen is an instrument to remind me that goodness comes in a least expected moment. Happiness is brought by action defined by genuine kindness and love. I still got the flower. I will make it a bookmark. It will be a reminder for me to be happy.

     ( I have never received a surprise for a year. It came unexpectedly from a guy who would have the least probability of giving attention to me. Surprises really catches us unprepared. We are caught flat footed. Surprise.)

    The afternoon was lulling me into sleep. I pinched myself to wake me up. My eyelids were dooping into a trance. I was fervently trying to drive dozing away from my system. I should not sleep. My teacher would catch me in such a situation and it was unbecoming. It was agonizing but I had to try hard.

    You see, am back to school after 9 years. I have just recently decided to go back to my masteral studies.  It had been a very long time since I warmed the seat of a classroom. I  have forgotten how to write down notes and how to answer in classroom discussion. I have forgotten how to behave in a class. I was like a kindergarten student attending his first day in school. When the class started, I felt that the pressure was on. Everything was jittery. I was not used with things anymore. I was nervous. I even heard the thumping of my heart so loudly. It was like the drums in a bugle corps. I was like a contestant, who is not prepared to compete. Perspiration trickled. I was melting on my seat.

   As time went by, the nervousness went pfft. Now, I am like being cradled on a tree top. I was being brought into the lulling zone. 

     For 3 hours, I had to stay in focus. It seemed like a century. Actually my    professor   was no bore. As a matter of fact, he is too good that he can qualify as a circus performers. Unfortunately, I was still dozing off.

    I find the emotion very weird. First, I was nervous and then, I was sleepy. I had to find the reason for such peculiarity.

    I knew it. I was the reason.

    I have to psyche myself. I have to find my reason why I am back to school. I have to learn to love school again. I have to set my goals in life. I have to bring back my focus. I have to bring myself back to my old self.

    The task will be easy, a thing lost is easily found. It lies in the chasm of   the heart. School is in the core of my pumping volition. I love school. I will survive.

     The feeling was too aghast. I sulked on my place and then froze in time.

    I counted the money left in my wallet. It totalled 2,000 pesos. Yes, I got that money for me to finance my needs for two weeks. It seems enough but it is not. I still have to do grocery for our food. I have to give the P1,000 salary of Lalay(oue househelp). I need allowance for my fare. I am getting stressed out thinking such facts. I am broke and I don’t know where to get the money I need for the coming days.

    The whole last night was long. I spent each tick of the clock deciphiring solutions to my problems. I wasn’t able to think of answers to my woes. I just got eyebugs. The dark circles encircle my eyes. My eyes now droop with dowsiness. Whew. It is hard not to have the money. Everything is affected.

     The financial dilemma I am into brings much complicated problems. I lose volition of working. Pile of office works haunts me no end. I can’t decide on things. I am a complete mess.

     My relationship with my brother is once again marred by my tantrums. I shouted at him. I can not bear the things happening around me. I even hate my hair. I dread my looks. I am disaapointed with everything. The violent acts I exhibit is brought about by the fincial constraint I am into. I am once again a rubbish dump. I have lost my confidence on things. I have lost confidence on myself. I am doomed. (Sorry for the exaggeration. It is my real feeling.)

    I can’t understand myself. I can’t seem to pacify myself. Supposedly, I am used to this situation. Destituteness is no new thing to me. It is a lifestyle I have mastered. Unfortunately, I am expert in such but poor in bearing its claws of hurts. I have no money and I don’t know the answer.I am clueless in every inch.

    The situation I am into is an irony. Why? I earned an extra P20, 000 this summer. Big cash, isn’t it? But I bought new shoes, MP4 and food. I splurge on things. I enjoyed it as if I will never run out of green bucks. It was too late for me to realize that I have no money left. I am literally poor. I felt worse because of that. I confirmed  my dumbness. I am no bright in money matters. I am so dull. I can’t save for the rainy days. The rainy days has flooded my dominion and drowned life-my life.

    The more ironic thing I did today is doing my internet session and spending as much as P50 for the rent. Every peso I spent nowadays is so important. Every peso counts. So, why I am doing this? Have I really lost my sanity? Am I putting myself to worse state. I am too masochist. But I have my reason. I need this internet session. WHY?

   Simple. I need someone to tell these woes or else I will lose my senses.I got no one except you. I got no best friend you know. Poor me. Atleast my blog readers will not judge me. Chances are, I may find the answers. I am seeing things in a perspective. Unloading my emotional baggages is giving me a CPR. Yes, it is resuscitating my life blood. It is giving me the air of life. I need to breathe.

   I will think of the answer to my financial woes.

   Tic…Tac…Tic

    I am counting each second. I am thinking of the answer.Voila! I got it.

     I will go to church and pray . He never fails me.I will get the answer there.God is the truth. (So, typical huh! I trust Him the most.)

   The truth is, God is my refuge. I feel strength with him. I will never be afraid. He loves me. God loves me. Praise him.

     Minutes ago, I shed a tear.

    The reason is the cold treatment I got from a close friend.

    Arnel, crying, is his norm. People will find my crying nothing new. People will find my reason of crying shallow. Don’t judge me. I really feel pain. I need you to know because containing it will result the explosion of my heart like the H bomb.

    I am a cry baby but the tear I shed recently came from a reason the penetrated my chasm. The feeling is like the grind of a stone mill to crush tiny particles of rice to a powder form. The pain is so much that I gave out my loudest cry in my heart. Nothing came out of my mouth but that was too loud that the thousand drums can’t be heard. The bang in my heart was so hard that my heart stopped breathing and my heart got mutilated in shreds.

     Yes, I shed a tear. I felt pain. It was so painful that I prayed for my soul’s valvation.

     I shed a tear but it will be my last for that reason. I now know. I am now wise.

    It is summer but I feel cold that I froze in time.

     My heart froze like cubes of ice. Melting them needs the heat of inferno. The heat will give me relief. I can be my form again.

    A lesson gets in through my sanity. It spells out this hard fact. "People close their door on you for the mistakes you have made. No matter how hard you try to repent, you will never have the understanding. Instead, you get derision of doubt. You will live with the judgement forever."

     You can never make  a cloth mudied clean again."Surf and Tide fail this time.

    Well, the tabula "rasa theorem" is so true that I am now ensigned with a mark.

    "LOSER." It is in my forehead that everyone can read.

    Life is so harsh. Life plays in a cheat. I will play life despite that. I will win.

    I will savor its sweetness.

        I eat three times a day. I can buy my needs. We have househelp. I live in a big house. I eat in a restaurant every week. I have a camera cell-phone. I have regular facial. I am poor ….poorer. Ironic!

          Lalay (our househelp) came to our house at 1:00 p.m. I was irritated for she should have come 7:30 a.m. I was ready to belt out harsh words of irritation. I am paying him enough and I don’t deduct her past absences. But that moment was getting my ire. I had enough. I gathered all courage so I could tell her what I wanted her to know. I would tell her to decide if she was giving up her job because she couln’t cope with her responsibilities. I looked at her sternly. I was ready to give her the painful blow of my words when suddenly she cried.

     She got my weakness. Her crying has brought me pity in an instance. My emotion took a 180 degree turn. I asked her the reason for such tears. She gloomily told me that she came late for she just came from a meeting. A news about her stabbed my heart. Their two-week house will be demolihed to give way for a construction of a school.

     I couldn’t move. My tongue got tied. I would not know what to say. It seemed I was zapped. I felt what she felt. I didn’t cry for I didn’t want her to know that I pity her. The pain in my heart crushed my internal organs. I was very hungry for no apparent reason. The fact is that I had just finished my lunch. What happened to me was a situation that I feel everytime I feel helpless. I wanted to help Lalay but I didn’t have the power. I had the reason but I didn’t know how.

    I just told her to pray. I told her to just take it lightly. Things will be okey. I said it uneasily. I was uneasy because I am telling her of something unsure. I then asked her to go to the kitchen and to get her food to eat. I did such to get out of the situation. I was so sad that Lalay is poor and that her house will be demolished soon. But I am sadder because I couldn’t help her.

    So, Filipinos are poor. I couldn’t claim that I feel okey for I can eat three times a day and I can sustain my needs.I may not be classified poor .I may not be poor because I am earning enough. But, the truth is I am poorer because I can’t help my brethren.

     I hate to be poorer. I will help.

      I embraced sadness. I hugged it tight one day. It was so tight that I couldn’t breathe.

    For two days, I warmed my bed. I was sleepy but I wanted to lie all day. There was no volition to work. There was no urge even to eat. I didn’t even want to stand. I never had this gloom for months. I was in deep thoughts. I was reflecting on things. I was in state of loss.

    Do not think that I have been jilted by a lover. It will never happen. I told myself not to fall in the arms of love. Pain haunts me in such instance. 

    Do not think that I failed in an endeavor. It will never happen that I will feel bad in failing. I have perfected the art of failure. I always come out as a winner amid defeats.  I bring out the best in me in every failure.

    Do not think that I have gone nuts that I feel sad for no apparent reasons. My bolts are still tight. Think of the biggest problem that has beset mankind. I unfortunately had passed them for sure.

    So, why I am sad? It is because of Aldred. Aldred? Yes, Aldred. He is Aldred of Pinoy Big Brother.

      "Why Aldred? Why be sad?"

    Maybe, if you would ask such questions personally to me, you will do it on top of your lungs with a matching punch at my head to try to wake me up from a trance of insanity.

     I will reiterate. I am sad because of Aldred. I don’t know if I can convince you of my sanity. Still, I will explain to you.

     I understand Aldred. He was put in a situation which was not his world. He had to mingle with people which was not his kind (Though they are of the same age.) He was put amid the eye of the public with his every move watched. He had to do things which were not his choice. In short, he was robbed of himself. He was not happy. I was not happy for him because of that. So, when he chose to leave the house and when he chose to be himself again, I knew he made the right decision.

     As he left that house that night, I glued my eyes on the boob tube. I shed a tear for Aldred. I felt him within me. When he left, I was hoping to see the smile back on him. Unfortunately, there was none. Things were heavy. I felt Aldred. The pain in him penetrated my chasm. I became Aldred.I understood him.

      The whole sunday, I waited for a news about him.But, he opted to shun away from the limelight. That gave me more queries. Is he alright? How is he? Will he be okey? Those questions lingered.

     That Sunday night, I watched his last moments in the PBB house. He was acting weird. He was skeptic. He affirmed that he was not himself. He had lost himself. I cried again. I was hoping that I was there. I was hoping that I can shield him from the situation. I was hoping that I could be his warrior. I was hoping that I would be his refuge. I didn’t sleep. I thought of him. I texted some friends, trying to fish out some consoling moments. I didn’t get any. The night was long. I only thought of Aldred. I felt him.

    I lay on my bed the whole day. Reflecting on the feeling. I got a text message. It gave me light. It gave me answers. I realized that I was sad because I was Aldred. I see myself in him. I was put in  the same situation wherein I couldn’t be me. I did the same thing. I made choices. I left people.I made sarcifices.I chose to be me again.

        I still feel bad for Aldred but I know he will be well. He made right choice. I did too. He will be happy too.

     ( You would probably ask what text message brought me into my feet and what text message put me back to my senses. I got a text message from Jessica Bayona. She called me Dolphin. No one has called me such for a long time. Presto!Recollections falashed like a movie in my mind. It made me recall the past-a past where I learned life. I was zapped into reality. I found the strong I again.

    By the way, if you know Aldred, tell him that I felt for him. Tell him that I understand him. I hope it will ease the pain.

     Aldred, the world is yours. God loves you)

    Boom…Boom…Boom Those are not explosions. Those are my heartbeats. Boom…Boom…Boom

I have just come from the fiesta of Sampaloc. It should have been fun but unfortutunately it brough fear into my spine. I understand the word terrifying in a concrete sense.  Boom…Boom…Boom

    We had just come from Lloyd’s place. The food was palatable. Our host was entertainingly gracious. My company was exciting. At 4:30 p.m., we decided to ride a tricycle to ride a jeep to Lucban to come back to Lucena. We reached the jeepney station. We were such in a hurry that we get through the line like a street smart kids. We were succesful with our quest. We got the best seats. We were exchanging pleasantries and we had forgotten the people around us. We didn’t even notice that the jeep started to move. We have travelled a kilometer already when we heard a loud screech. Along with the irritating sound were shrill cries. I also shouted very loud. We were shaken by the force. Boom…boom…boom. Oh I heard my heartbeat. Boom..boom.

     I know Carina, who was seated at my right, was sandwhiched by my body. I knew it hurt for I felt the pressure at my side. But, she said that she was alright. I check ed  my other friends. They were okey except for a shock because of the jolt. All the while, we thought everyone was well when someone exclaimed that the woman beside her had wounded her head. Boom…boom…boom. I Heard my heartbeat. I looked at her and I saw her wound.

    It was big. Blood oozed  out. I quickly got back my sight. I couldn’t stand it. Boom…boom..boom   Though I tried to divert my attention, I was shivering with fear. I was terrified as I heard remarks from other passenger. Then, I overhead someone that she should be brought to the hospital. I just realized that the jeep was turning back to the station. We  decided to come down as soon as the jeep came into a halt. I saw the wounded lady ride a tricycle for the hospital.  Boom..boom…boom. I heard my heartbeat.

    We did not  ride the first two jeepneys .  We were thinking that jinx might be with the people with us in the first jeepney.(A weird conclusion huh.) We chose to ride the third  jeepney because it has a sign, God is good. We were thinking that it was a good omen. (I do believe in omens. I  got  the idea from Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist).

     We were praying for a safe trip. We were traumatized by the prior experience. But it seemed that fate teased us. The jeepney driver of the jeep we were riding was the most reckless driver I have encountered ever. He literally let the vehicle fly along the winding road to Lucban. I prayed my Hail Marys  a record time. Five hail Marys in a minute. Yes. I prayed so hard. In the first time of my life, I assertively ask the driver to slow down. In a record time, we were  in Lucban. We rode the vehicle going to Lucena. Boom…boom…boom.      

I was still afraid. So we took our place. I tried to entertain myself. I peeped  when    I   saw a young couple kissed unshyingly. I recognized a former student. I talked to him. I teased people around me. I talked to them senseless thing. I marveled at a cute guy before me. I looked at the old lady.I tapped my feet. I  crossed my legs . I touched my hair. I smiled t people. I did everything. I needed such to survive the trip.Thank God. We reached Lucena.

     So you thought, I am already okey. Not yet. Here I am now writing my blog. I am appeasing myself.  I hope I can get over this. I have to psychologize myself. A prayer will do.

      Boom…boom…pfft.  Hail Mary…