Toyjunk-The Dolphin

    Bakit ayaw masaktan ang taong nanakit ng kalooban at nagdulot ng pighati? Bakit hindi magawang magbitaw ng masasakit na salita? Bakit hanggang ngayon ay iniisip ang kanyang kabutihan? Bakit patuloy na nanalangin ng kanyang tagumpay? Bakit patuloy na nangangamba sa kanyang kaligtasan? Martir ba o tangang kaibigan?  Talagang hindi mapanira dahil pinalaki ng nanay na mapagmahal. Itong katangiang ito ang nagdulot ng mga maling agam-agam. Itong katangian ito ang nakapagdulot ng panghuhusga. Masakit ang katotohanang binalewala ng pinag-alayan ang lahat. Bakit patuloy na nanaghoy? Ang totoo ay bingi na ang mga tengang hinihingan ng pang unawa. Ang masakit ay naibigay na ang isang masakit na hatol. Isa ka nang masamang nilalang. Nanggamit at makasarili.

     Sa pagkakataong ito ay nais na sumigaw at ipahayag sa lahat ang tunay na nasa puso. Wala namang makikinig. Walang maaawa. Walang kakalamay ng kalooban. Nag iisa. Animoy isang kaluluwang nilulunod sa lawa ng kalungkutan. Nararamdaman ang sakit. Ang mga sugat ay diniligan ng suka. Ang dugong umaagos ay nilagyan ng daluyan upang lalong sumulak ang malarosas ng likidong sumisimbulo ng buhay. Nauubos na ito. Natutuyo na ito. Unti- unting and buhay ay nagwawakas.

    Sa huling hinga ay kakarampot na hangin ang sa ilong ay lumabas. Ang baga ay mahina na sa dahilang hinahabol nito ang huling bugso ng hinga. Madilim na ang paningin. Hindi na maaninag ang liwanag. Isang nakakatakot na pangitain ang bumalandra sa mga mata. Ang hugis ng taong taong may karet ng buhay ang sumasalubong. Ibinigay ang sarili. Nilaslas niya ang kalamnan. Ninakaw niya ang nag iisang yaman- Ang buhay. (To be continued.) (You are free to comment. Try to guess what happens next. You will be surprised. Wait after a month. You will know.)

It was 6 year go when we bonded as friends. Then, our immaturity got in the way. We were buddies but we were not free from tiffs. I remember during the last month of school, we were on a trip when we got to a heated argument. I could remember, he got angry of my person who always check people of the right things to do and to say. I remember then that I pleaded for my misdemeanor. He forgave me.  (ooops… I remember the pleading for forgiveness has recently happened with a friend. unfortunately I was not forgiven…huhuhu)  After the forgiveness, he has to move on to new life. He continued school. One afternoon, I just came from a school when I saw him outside the gate of SHC. He said he really waited for me. We had a talk. (Let me keep the sanctity of our tete- a -tete). I noticed the maturity in him. He has shunned away from boyish remarks he used to do. He talked about his foresight of his life. Deep inside me, I was happy. He has become a real man. I am proud of this guy. That afternoon, I was very happy. He said the magic words. He told me that I am one of the very few he admires as a person. That was great. The words came when I  was down and lonely. God is good. He gave me Gerry that day. Life was better

    So when his clinic opened, though alone, I attended. It nice to have  friend. Praise God.

I frequent the mall nowadays. It sounds ordinary. Yes, I do malling alone. I would not understand myself. I m gratified being alone amidst the crowd. I just wlk around without directions. Don’t worry. I am still in my proper senses. I am amazed of the sight seeing people together enjoying. Minutes ago, I was in the foodcourt eating my second shawarma for the day. (Yes, that is another peculiarity I do. Maybe, I have an eastern blood that I drool over it despite the garlic smell.) (sorry for the disunity-i can’t help but to talk about my peculiarities.) I noticed two women in a discussion. I overheard the older telling the other one not to text immediately that she has to think things over. The other woman headed. I remembered my idiosuncracy. Everytime I am stressed out and caught in a problem, I immediately text the individual concerned and talked bout what I feel. Before I thought that was healthy. Looking back now, out of ten arguments I did on a cell I lost my self esteem for nine times. Even my power of convincing would not prevail in such instances. I always broke my heart. I lost bonds.I lost my respect to myself.

     Another reason for my malling is my eager to meet people whom I have never seen for  long time. My malling is really an opportunity but the special people I long to see again I met elsewhere.

      Malling also gives me time to understnd myself better. I see how blessed I am. I am not undermining people but I have seen my worth as I compare myself with others.  I adore people who know how to be happy. That is one thing I am not good at though my cheerful aura betrays people.

     Best of all, I like malling to fight the heat of the summer. Anyway as school starts, my mlling days will be over.:)

        The first time in SHC, we offered a summer class. I was excited with such for the class would help me augmnent my income. Beinga  teacher really means austerity. That was the primary reason for my excitement until the first day. A student from a chinese school named Julius got my attention. He is not the cute guy you would imagine. As a matter of fact, he is quite chubby to get your admiration. Don’t judge me with this.This is not what you think. I will give you the picture. His impish smile is enigmatic. The first time I saw him, I knew that he is such a kind teenager. For the record, the impish smile never fades. Everytime he speaks, the soft sound signifies the gentleness in him. I always remember, he was almost always the last to get out of the classroom. It brought me joy when he never forgets to say goodbye to me. The goodbye was with a smile. That was electrifying. Funny, I have become a great fan because of his kindness. During the culminating activity, I took his picture in my cameraphone. From time to time, I look at his picture, scrutinizing the smile that had taught me too appreciate people after the greatest pains that hit me. Yes, the impish smile taught me life should be celebrated with joy. I thank him for that.

        I still see him at their cell store infront of our school. I have to be honest. Happiness surges into my being everytime I see him.I always look for the smile. If ever I see it, joy is in me. I just wish that the impish smile will be forever so I will never forget to smile too. Julius is an angel.:)

     Monalisa can start a facial exercise to change her smile for Julius’ smile means more to me.

Summer 2005 is not yet over but myriads of events have changed my life. I will give focus to a changing event. The greatest decision I have made has put my sanity on a brink of oblivion. I made a decision of giving up a very important thing in my life. Imagine, I have given a part of me. I have sacrificed a lot. I have tried to swallow the pride I have just to protect and not to lose it. I just realized, when I have lost my dignity as a person I can get all the courage I have to take the bitter bill. It is now time to move on. I am moving on but I don’t leave behind the worst experiences. I will bring them all as I traverse life. This will remind me that sometime in my life, I was down. Eventhough I was already splattered on the mud of humility, people still continued stepping on me. I can remember the pain. It penetrated my soul. I remember the hurt. It entered my sancitity. When I was left, no one lifted me up. I tried to reach out for help. My pleading reached deaf ears. I was moaning with prayers of salvation. With the last tinge of strength, I stood and walked away from the scene of humiliation. God healed my wounds. Time cradled me with hope. Future looms a happy tune. I have learned my lesson. I have known bitterness in a positive sense. I now know fight. I fight life for my beloved. Junjun and Nanay, you are all that I have.

All these years, I thought I had a life. All these years, I thought all the things I have could make me happy. All these years, I thought I was giving my life to all deserving individuals. All these years turned out to be he world greatest flukes. I would not discuss the past. The past pains me. It has created a wound in my chasm, leaving my sanity into a rage.  I would like to share the turns of my life. In a snap, I have changed my perspectives. I have become afraid to share a part of me.I am not selfish. I am reluctant to get out once again of my shell. I am afraid of pains life has to offer. I had enough that a book could not contain my moans and groans when I harbored the pain. I divert my attention to petty and trivial things. I bought a new cell phone (6600). I deserve a new phone for the phone is my only bestfriend. I write notes to myself. I give hope to my weakening guts. I now go malling alone with my brother. I do things without plans. Such walks give me excitement. I would not know what is in store of me. Life has now become a bastion of expectations. God has been so kind. He has given me people who show me reason to go on. The participants of region 4a and 4b in my two weeks of lecturing stend extended a boost in my confidence. I realized that I am no an ordinary being as other individuals have made me for a time. I am special for I am a real person who is not afraid to give.  Their words of loves and notes of affirmation have shown my God given talent. Now, I bestow my love to these people, to Nanay, to junjun and most of all to Jesus. (I will regularly update my blogs. Read on. My next artice is about my Tagaytay and Boracay Trip. Thank God. I found real people. I found real life and I found my real love. Love-? next time. You will know.