Toyjunk-The Dolphin

     When Gerry invited me to watch the premier of the "War of the Worlds" last night at SM Lucena, I was excited because of the following petty reasons: First, that was the first time I was attending a premier night. Second, I will be with the good friend Gerry.  An additional twist was that I was too watch with his folks. That was rather peculiar. Third, Tom Cruise stars the movie with Spielberg as director. The thought was already overwhelming. I was apprehending a film of epic proportion.

    My first attendance of the premier was overwhelming. Interesting people abounded.  I saw some old friends. I was elated that they kept on remarking that I looked good. I find it absurd, I may appear gorgeous with my chubbiness but the fact is I am, in my worst state of health. I have to lose poundage or else another stroke is in the offing. Cruel life.

    Being with Gerry is always a welcome. Very seldom you encounter people who talks with sense amid humor. I personally admire the way he threats me. He has accepted me for who I am. I remember, I told him some deviant facts about myself and the way I see him. He doesn’t care. Atleast for once, I have known someone who befriends me not for what good things I can offer but for being who really I am. I love being a friend without pressure.

      The third reason disappoints me. Visually, the film is a feast. Substantially, it is a waste. I now know why Spielberg has few directorial awards. He should be choosy with his materials. On the other hand, Tom’s only redeeming aspect is that he is such a cutie. I commend Dakota Fanning, though the character got loopholes. She is still an A with her characterization. I knew it that she will come a long way after I watch her in "I Am Sam." I like to see more of her in the big screen.

     Gerry and his parents brought me home. It took me an hour before I slept. Why? I just remembered my past movie outings with a friend. I miss that.Whew? Life changes in a click that even movie routines affect life. Weird.

Noong ika 2 ng Hulyo taong 2001

Hindi ko maigalaw ang kanang bahagi ng aking katawan.

Pinilit kung maiunat ang aking paa,

Upang lisanin ang higaang kinararatayan,

Subalit nagapi ako ng panghihina ng loob.

Isip ay magulo tulad ng isang abstrak na dibuho.

Pilit na nilimi kung anong nangyayari.

Bakit mga tao sa paligid ang luha’y nangingilid.

Binuka ang aking mga labi,

Na inuusal ang isang pagtatanong.

Sa halip na kasagutan ang itugon,

Ngiti ng  awa ang ginanti.

Sa mustra ng aking kaliwang kamay,

Ako ay  humingi ng salamin,

Nang makita ang  mukhang  hinahaplos ng aking tiya.

Nagaatubiling kanyang inabot.

Nangangatal na salamin ay  hinawakan.

Luha ay nangilid nang  nakita

Labi’y hiwid at ang kanang mata ay kirat pa.

“Istrok sa utak” ang sabi ng tiya.

Nalaglag ang pagkakahawak sa salamin,

Kasabay ang lungkot para sa katotohanang

Buhay ay mag -iiba mula sa araw na yaon.

Ngayong Biyernes Santo, ika 29 ng Marso taong 2002,

Isinusulat ng kaliwang kamay,

Ang isang pagninilay  para sa istrok,

Na nagpabago sa landas na tinatahak.

Naigagalaw na ang kanang kama’y

Bagama’t pagsula’t ay di pa kaya

Naihahakbang na ang kanang paa

Sa tulong ng braces lakad ay naitutuwid na.

Wala na ang labing hiwid,

Kanang mata’y mulat na

Ang pagkautal ay bahagya na,

Labi ay ngumingiti na.

Kasabay ng pagalala sa kamatayan ni Hesus

Ay ang pasasalamat 

Na pangalawang pagkakataon ay ibinigay niya..

Ako ay nabuhay ngayong Siya’y namatay para sa akin.

Ako ay nahahandang makibaka para sa akin

Para sa kaluwalhatian Niya.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I am earning life the hard way.  All throughout my life, I have worked to be good. I did things with  pure intentions. I am honest. People who were involved with this wrecking event in my life would probably say other wise.  I played a joke on things. I didn’t know the harm it will do with people I cared so much for. I regret this. I suffered hard enough. Words can’t describe the agony I feel. No matter how much remorse feeling I would show, people would not understand. They think I am such a nuisance and I am such a waste. The hard fact, I now face. Do I deserve this? Maybe yes, putting an overemphasis to a mistake over the goodness I have shown.

The offshoot of the event is rejection. Can you just imagine the feeling of being left alone? Just imagine a movie star who at the peak of his career suffered a biggest flop. The worst thing, no one feels for the sufferance he got. I am no movies tar. I am just an ordinary person who cares  much. And I suffer the same.

           Another thing troubles me,   If  I am a friend, I am  a friend. One character of mine is when I love (friend, family, best friend), I give my all. What disheartens me so much is the accusation that I have betrayed people. I told lies. Technically, yes. Intentionally, no.  Yes, because I have gone over the border of giving myself to people. No, because  my intention was different from what others might think. Why is this so? I have been teaching for 13 years. In all contestants I have trained and coached in all classes I have taught, I have given all because I care and love. No one recognizes that. People judge me with my deviant ways. Would this make me a lesser being? Hopefully not. I am not perfect. I am not giving this as an alibi but this is the truth. I am human that is why I fail. In this failure, do I have to suffer for more and for long? I am not angry with anyone but to myself. The sad fact is no matter how much I try, I can never be perfect. Please don’t judge me with this writing. Please don’t judge me with my erratic behavior. Please don’t judge me for I am human.

            I hate myself for I appear happy. Even in my worst state, I can cheat a smile for a simple reason that I don’t want others to feel sorry for me.  I am a wounded warrior, hoping from a relief in a war.

            I SOUND SO DEPRESSED. I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF. I DON’T HAVE TO. My time is ticking away. I am a stroke victim. I have diabetes. I have kidney problem. I have emotional deficiency. I have nothing left except the broken me. Just read this. Don’t pity me. It would not help. Don’t hate me. The more it would not help. Don’t send me consoling messages, the more pitiful I would feel. Just in your mind, you hope for the best. This time, life has stopped. I am changing gear. I will make a difference.

The return

I sang the songs of the sirens,

hitting high notes in gasping breaths.

I was a singer of requiem.

I hummed my death.

I delivered oration of Caesar,

binging me tears of disgust

I was a crier of woes.

I talked about my wandering soul.

I was in the rock of  Prometheus,

cradling the bruised body.

I was a titan of helplessness,

I hanged in a chosen lot.

I was the angel of death,

deceiving life itself.

I was a mason of  lies.

I shaped my niche.

I rose from my grave,

realizing the truth I had within.

The Redeemer never has left me.

I have subsisted the beacon of existence.

I was the boxer in the last round,

fighting for a hurray.

I knocked out the competition.

I seized triumph for the defeated self.

Mama, ano ka ba?

Isang mama ang

Napasilid sa kahon.

Nakulong sa kadiliman.

Nangapa sa kawala ng pag-asa.

Naglayag sa karagatan ng kalituhan.

Nalunoy sa pighati,

Nalunod sa unos ng buhay.

Napagod sa walang tigil na pagtangis.

Nahagas sa kawalan ng pamimilian.

Natorete ang utak sa mga katanungan.

Pinagimbutan ng lohika.

Natuyo ang utak sa pag-iisip.

Ipinosas sa saklap.

Nalimutan ang Maykapal.

Nagpuyos sa tadhana.

Sanggol sa kalooban.

Hindi sanay.

Hoy, huwag bibigay!

Simula pa lang.

May panalo pa.

Laban mama!

Funny, life has been cruel but still I survive. Soap operas fail in comparison in the turn out of events in life. Sickness besets in the family. I am sick. My bother is sick. My Mother is sick. My Tita is sick. People have teased us that a cursed befell on us and our house has a bad feng shui. For so many times, I beg for money. People gave me money. I see myself as a professional mendicant. For countless times, I told lies. They all resulted to all catastrophic incidents. Relationships broke. Trusts vanished.  I wowed people of my antics. I irritated people of my humbugility. I achieved a lot, for myself, for my friends, for my beloved. I have been insulted because of my orientations and perspectives. I failed in endeavors. I spoke what I felt. I kept pains in my heart. Myriads of odd things happened. Iam still here, living life. Loving life. Praise God.