Toyjunk-The Dolphin

I saw death. I saw it coming.
I couldn’t sleep. I was on my bed turning relentlessly. Death boggled me. All the while, I couldn’t breathe. I checked my pulse. I felt warm over my body. I was afraid. I saw death. I felt death.
The horifying experience has been routinary. Almost every night, I contend with the horrendous experience. The future haunts. I dread death.
I dread death not because I want to have immortality. I fear it because I am afraid that I will die without fixing things in my life. Thus, I am not yet ready to face God.
I harbor anger. Until now, my heart bleeds. I still feel low. I still regret that people played up with my weaknesses. I am still hurting because I failed with my prized relationships.
I prolong my agony. I can’t get out of sorrows. I still cry. Tears continue to flow my cheek. My heart throbs with endless regrets
I still blame people for my lot. I am affected by others. My life is still dictated by my desire to be loved. I still don’t have life. Failures still rule me.
I would not know life. Therefore, my life will be a waste. I have not found my purpose. God forbids. I don’t want it to happen.
Maybe tonight when I sleep, I would meet death, eventhough, I am still not yet ready for an encounter with him. I may be trembling with fear. I will try to outrun it. I will beat the odds. I will try to cheat death. But in the end, I have to die. I don’t own life.
Yes, I don’t have a choice. I can’t negate the fact yet I can turn my life. I am certain with only one-God. God will know what will be best for me.He is the answer. I will have time. A second will do.
This is weird. I have the answer. Death can be the peace and happiness I long. Death will be a panacea to all pain. God will pacify my fears. I should be ready. I will start now.
I saw death. I kiss death. Peace follows in an amazingly sweet persona. All is well.

         One day, I made fun of Alfred M. I was expecting for something very violent as his reaction. I went overboard. His classmates would surely tease him again after class. I knew he was tired of it. I knew he was irritated of it. He should react violently. The tamer interaction could be a frown. But, I was wrong. He just smiled again.

     I was successful. I was oblivious seeing such instance. That was my intention, to see him flashing his smile. I would never miss that chance. I always love to see the jovial reaction. He brings me in a place of understanding and love in such moment.

    I affirm that I have been cruel to him. Actually, I don’t have to do such malevolent acts. Alfred’s smiling is not a rare chance. As a matter of fact, he always smiles.It’s weird. He has only one expression to welcome everyone. He has been toasted by my endless jokes in class but never he showed any derision.With such, I like  him.Yes, I like Alfred. I always love people who smile.

     Alfred has brought me awe and wonder. I find him as the most interesting individual. He is such a mystery. I have been asking his classmates things about him. I can’t get a single juicy item. His grins are the only precise things his classmates know about him.

    I regularly text him, trying to fish out something from him. He seldom answers but if ever he does, he surprises me with his peculiar remarks. I even first doubted that he was the one texting back. His language is so suave. He sounds assertive. I find his texts different but I welcome them. I actually treasure them. Unfortunately, I can’t frequently read them. He texts like the rain in a summer night, unlikely, with his smiles which pour like August torrents.

     Surprisingly, I am learning life from him. Alfred’s acts reveal to me that I can always be confined within myself. No matter how people try to rock my world, I can breeze through it. I can hold on. I can be a fortress amid destruction.

     I need to be like Alfred. I need to know how to be a wholly me despite any force of failure and pain. I have to know to solve all woes with a smile. If I can do such, life will be glorious.

     On Monday, I will see Alfred again.I will see him smile. I will be joyful.

     Thank you, Alfred M.!

     I was lying early on my bed. It was unsusual. It was too early for my sleep. I held my 6600. I looked at it. I was waiting for a text.I always do that when I feel lonely. I thought of people whom I love. Then a warning tone sounded. I was happy. I was waiting for it. I was surprised. I got a text from Mety. I quickly thought that he again wrongly sent his message. I was so sure. He was not a textmate.I uniterestingly read his forwarded text. I replied with an ejaculatory remark of good evening. I was retiring. Then, I was again surprised. He texted back. He commended me about my friendster blog. He said that he was touched by it. I was boggled. I never thought I can create such impact.

Mety is an acquaintance. The longest chat I had with him was in a Boracay trip. I always see him in school. I just greet him.  But that night, he showed appreciation of things I do to ease myself of loneliness and pain. He was inspired by my thoughts. I do my blog for myself but I am surprised that people draw out inspiration from my extreme sadness. They feel my pains. They learn from them. I learn from them.

My blog is I. I never hide things here. I just write what I feel. I am naked in the immense world. I have shown my innermost being. I am contented with this. I find meaning in this. I write so people will know the real me. I write so people can feel the same. I write so they see the reflection of survival.

Mety sees the real I in this blog. You can be Mety. You can also see the real me. Continue reading. Continue loving me.I am finding myself. I need you. Soon, I will be me. Soon…

     I got Havaianas slippers. I ws simple overwhelmed. I didn’t buy them. I couldn’t. My financial state would not allow me. I got them. Chini gave them. I just dreamt of having such but now I owned them.

I was very happy. I would be hypocrite if I say that its costliness would not elate me. Primarily, I love them for they were given the day when I again felt my lowest. I was very sick that day. My blood pressure hit 170 over 110. It could prove to be catastrophic. I was nervous that day. I didn’t tell anyone my worst state. I don’t want people to worry. Anytime, I might have another stroke. It might prove to be fatal.I might die. The whole day, the god of death lurked.

     In the afternoon, I was in a meeting. I got a text from Chini. She told me she was in school. Only, I could’t see her. We were in the thick of discussion. When the meeting was over. I proceeded to our office. My nape was still throbbing. Anytime now, I might faint.I might die. I saw a package on top of my table. Havaianas slippers were there. Chini gave them to me. I felt very happy. I forgot the jitters of the sickness. My attention was on the gift. As a matter of fact, I went with Sam to buy his ipod. The diversion helped me. When I was home I remembered what I feel that day. I texted Chini.I thanked her. A remark caught my senses. She texted that she remembered because she was one of those who love me. I smiled. Happiness penetrated my being. That was a thing I always forget. A resolution about myself was concretized.

I realized that I should have the reason to live. Thank you to the havaianas slippers. As long as my feet step on them. I will love myself. Thank you Chini for remembering. I survive because of the like of you. I pray to God that He blesses my beloved. God blesses you.

I now walk with my havainas. I now walk with my life.