Toyjunk-The Dolphin

      Solitude! I thought I understood the word in its inner sense but last night, I realized its most painful meaning.

     Actually, a lot of good things happened that day. We won an oratorical contest and impromptu tilt. It was a seizing day. The feeling was heartwarming. Another good thing transpired, Ana texted me for a date at Mochablends. I was in a jovial mood that night. And in my coffee date, Paul Edson (my oration champ) texted me with a message of thanks(They are few who would remember that well after each triumph.) Anna and I talked about petty things. We tried to enjoy the evening. She handed me the "Harry Potter" 6 book I was borrowing from her. We were even all smiles when we left the cafe.’ Before Anna rode the jeep,we passed by a cell shop to buy an internet card for her. After, I was on my way home. As I walked from the street where I alighted until our front door, I was reminiscing the good things and blessings for that day. My heart throbs with hope and happiness. I was tranquile.

       I knocked at the door. My brother opened it. I noticed his irritated mood that time. I didn’t bother to go against his tantrums. I proceeded to change my clothes. I overheard his grumbling as he took care of my mother. That was the time that I was brought back to reality. Three days ago, in my mom’s check-up, we learnt that she had another stroke. I think it was her 5th. I lost count.We didn’t know.  She was not complaining. Though, we have noticed the difficulty she has in walking.

     I asked my brother to take it lightly. He didn’t like my cautioning. To evade tiff, I did not prolong the talk. I proceeded infront of the television. I was looking at it but my thoughts were in the fact that we were facing a financial drain in the family. I was feeling helpless but I knew God will help. Suddenly, I got a text message from someone. He was asking me about my friendship which had gone awry. I told him that things were not normal but I pray for the goodness of the both of us. I asked him why. He told me that he was watching a concert with the friend we were talking about and out of the blue he remembered. In my effort, I dissuaded him non to talk about the relationship the he spare him of bugging him about me. All the while, I thought I was putting things in a right perspective. He then texted the assumption of what happened really with the bond we had. The most hurtful fact splattered over my face.  He then asked me what was the real reason of the conflict between us. He revealed that people have been talking about how  fool I am. Rumors have it that I was stupid to clamor for something impossible. Everything stopped. My thoughts froze. I felt cold. I clasped my hand, having a feel of myself.

    I would not know his real intention why he asked that question at that time that he was beside him. Was he playing on me? I hoped that he didn’t for if he did. He has made me very sad. I have never been strong with broken relationship and my family affairs. It has been months since I cried river. I walked to my bed. Lay on it and force myself to sleep.  I couldn’t. I remained wide awake.

    I thought of my mother, my brother and my broken relationships. I thought of myself and my situation. Pity encroached me. I pitied myself. I discovered that despite my struggle in life, I have been a great sore loser. No one understands me. I was giving up.

    Tears never stopped. I was looking at the ceiling. I couldn’t control my thought. Each sad experiences penetrated my senses. Every memoirs of failure disected my being. Every hurt I had stabbed my heart in a thousand wounds of helplesness. I was drifting. I was sinking in a thought of despair. I was eaten up by pain.

     The cocking of the rooster interfered with my travel to oblivion. It was morning. I was still alive. As the son rose, I felt alone. Yes,I was very alone. I changed bed. I went upstairs. I was hoping I could sleep. I was hoping that I could close my eyes. I was hoping that when I opened my eyes, I would see a new world. I would see the different me. But, I couldn’t fake sleep.

     I have no one to turn to. I can’t share to anyone because of a doubt that again I will be misunderstood. I am tired of such. I have come here at netopia to see my friend. A friend who will listen to me and who will not judge me. My friend, computer number 41, listens. I am writing this blog with tears welling my ears. Amid the noise of people playing computer games, my heart bleeds. A woman beside may find me weird as I sob but she will not understand how I feel. No one knows how it tears me to be alone in this world. Solitude! The word has become me.

     Later, I will go to church. I will be quiet. I will listen to the silence of my heart. I hope God speaks.

        I am alone. Alone.

     (To my blog readers, I will not write for a while. I need time. God Bless.)

     I have been lying lately. I have mastered the art.

    I don’t know if you guys will forgive me. I have lied a countless times. What is alarming is that I have been lying frequently recently.

    I was going to Lucban. While waiting for a ride, I saw a former student. He asked me about my best friend. I was caught flat footed. I didn’t answer immediately. I waded the question by answering that he is okey. But he would not stop. He even narrated a debut they both attended. I acted as if I was interested. He then asked why I didn’t attend Phaea’s debut. I did not lie that time. I told him that I was tired and I just came from my lecture in Calamba.Unfortunately, he would not stop. He asked how  my best friend was doing in summer school. I again falsified things. I said, he was doing okey. (Though I am sure, he did. He is such a good and brilliant guy.) Later, I told him that I had to go. He bade me goodbye. He just asked me to send his regard to him. Again as big fat liar, I said, "I will."

      Whew. That was too much. I lied 98 percent that time. I know, he did not notice. I got poise and grace under pressure.

    People will probably ask why  I lied. I should have told him the truth that things were not going well between me and my best friend. However, I couldn’t. I was tired of explaining things.

     In an another instance, a student asked me about my relationship with him. I told him the truth that things were not the same. I was bombarded with a lot of questions. I almost exploded with aghast due to queries that made me dug deeper to the wound of pain. I stop his inquisitiveness by telling him that though things are not well,  I still love my best friend. He seemed puzzle. His next questions fell into deaf ears.

     I take all the blame with the fallen best friendship.  My best friend is a very kind guy. I am villainous and skeptic. Yes, paranoia blew the relationship.I did it with bravura. I blew it with my self respect. Don’t feel bad. I deserve it. I pay the price. Everytime I am asked about him, I am reminded with my greatest failure, his broken trust and the shattered friendship. 

    It has been more than a year since things went sour. I wasn’t able to tell the tale. I was mum. Maybe, I was afraid that things might worsen and totally lose the chance of having him back. Now, I have the courage to tell the world that it is over. The confidence is a result of knowing that he is happy in his present predicament. That is enough for me. I am joyful knowing he is in such estate.

      We saw each other recently.He went to me. He was the first talk to me. We exchange pleasantries. I was happy to see him. Later that night, I got depressed. I remembered my failure again.  I cried  because I was not a good person I should have been. If only I can bring back   the time. I should have been a best friend. But it is too late. Things can never be the same.

This is the sad fact I have to live with forever. I am a trust destroyer for life. The title will shame me every minute.

    Hopefully after this blog, I will not lie again. People would not ask questions . I wil stop the hurting.

I already know. Enough! I have learned.

(Sorry to my best friend if I have to write about this fact. I want to stop my lying. This is a better option of mine. To my reader  friends .Don’t ask my best friend about this.Sobrang mabait po siya. Don’t bother him by asking him about me. He deserves the best more that I am.)

      I am tired of being a princess. I am tired of the royal obligations I have to undertake. I am tired of always doing the right thing. I am very tired of being an epitome of social graces.

    Those thoughts are not mine. Audrey Hepburn shared all those emotional outburst in the film, "Roman Holiday." Accidentaly, I bought a VCD of the film for 99 pesos. I would not know the reason. I was so sure only that I like Audrey Hepburn’s style. With regard the film, I was clueless.

     After watching the film, I found syllogism with the Princess’ life and mine. I am no princess but I was in the same shoe. I am bound with the norms and ethics of the society. I am a teacher. I should always be a role model. I should always do even trivialities in life with accordance and morale. For instance, I should never laugh loud in public. I should aways be gentle. Students might follow suit. Another is that  I should always wear dignified clothes. I should make it sure that I bear myself with dignity.

     I should be a model of courtesy and gentle manners. I should make it sure that I act accordingly to situations. If not, I will surely be a butt of intriques and controversies. I should be seen with the right persons. I should be with same respected personalities so I can also command same credibility and respect.

   The list of no-nos for a teacher is long. Thinking about them make me cringe. The task is ardous and demanding. Of course like Hepburn’s character, I like to get out of my box and do what I want.  It will be great.

    Prrt…I am getting narrow-minded and eccentric. I chose to be a teacher. Thus, I should act like one. Nevertheless, I am happy. I can’t ask for more.

    No Roman holiday for me!!!=)

    November 1, 2005

    For hours, I am staring at the dripping candle. I am lost at that moment. I  think  of my father.

    For 31 years, he has been dead. I couldn’t recall any concrete situation that would best remind me of him. The only definite fact is that he died without letting me feel a paternal love. This might be the reason why I am effeminate with my actions. This might explain why I always seek for love.

    I remember last year, I was in a the same situation. I was looking at the dripping waxes. As the candles slowly burnt, I was slowly melting at my seat. I was losing hope then. Beset with problems, I would not know where to hold on or whom to hold on. I talked to him. I told him that I needed him. I felt so alone. I wanted his guidance.I didn’t get any answer. I was waiting for an immediate reply. That was how desperate I was.

   I was blaming him for leaving our family that early. I was thinking, I could have been more succesful, if he were there. I should have been a lawyer now. I should have made my mark.  So many ifs bugged me. An escapegoat was the only panacea to all the pains. Despite the endless blaming, he didn’t answer. I went home with nothing left, except my lost self.

    A year after, I am again the the foot of my tomb of my father. I am still looking at the candles. Though, I feel different now. Problems still abound but I have hope in my heart. I now know the reason why he didn’t answer me then with my queries. He knows I was not ready then. I didn’t know then my strength as a person. I couldn’t live my life then for I saw myself as a weakling. After a long introspection, I have seen my worth. I have seen my value as a person. I have entrusted my life to God. I have known my direction.

     I thank Tatay for leaving us so early in life. He has taught me to be on my feet. He has made me his own masterpiece. I have become a knight with the armor of love and faith. I am trained with courage. I am life’s warrior. At my last straw of breath, I will defend my bastion.

    My dad, Jose Arce, Sr., loves me very much. He prepared me for the battle. I will not fail him. I will be great with God’s help.