Toyjunk-The Dolphin

    December 24, I prayed to Jesus that he accords me one christmas bonus aside from my ultimate request of having my family complete on Christmas day. That was "a christmas greeting" from a dear friend.

    The whole day of Christmas, I waited for a greeting that did not come. Was I sad? Yes.  I regreted that he did not remember. You would probably ask, why did I not make the effort of greeting him first. Actually, I was being true to my promise to him. Though, I held my cellphone all day. I was always at the brink of texting his mom to get his number. At the end, I did not. I always held on to my promise. For once, I was true to my word. That scenario was very not me. I am typically assertive. I pursue all that I want. Eccentricity was my game. That time, I was playing a different music. Life experiences have changed me to be such.

    The promise I mentioned was a decision I made April of this year. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. The decision was like giving up a day’s meal. In such decision, my life changed. My ideology made a turn. I have become cautious of things I do. I got aware of my being. I learned the value of people who really value and love me. I understood life better. I have God to take over my affairs.

    December 25, 11:59 p.m. I looked at my cell. No message came. When 12 a.m. struck. I gave up. I thank God. I knew he got his reason. The greeting did not come. Sad? I was. I was very sad but I understand.

     I understand. See, those who know me will be surprised with my course of action. Understanding was the greatest learning I had for the year.It is engrained in my mind that things have reasons. I will embrace such reasons. I understand.God made me understand.

       Tonight at SM netopia, my friend, computer 21, again took my never ending woes. Surprisingly,  I did not realize that my buddy, had a good news for me. In my message inbox was the greeting I was waiting for. That was enough. I was already satisfied. He did not forget. I was happy.

    I was right. I did not complain to the Lord why things were not the way I like them to be. He waits for the time. Actually, He gives us things we deserve only we do not know how to find them. Praise God. He is my keeper. 

n.b.

    Remember the thing I asked the Lord (Please read 10 things I want for christmas). He did give me my request. I was with Junjun and Nanay last christmas. The christmas greeting was only a bonus. He did give too. He gave all. I know he would because I have been good throughout the year. God truly loves me.

        I am leaving my hurts. I will leave the painful past. I will be a new "I."  I will trek a new life. I will tread a better path. I am changing for the better.

         If I will tell you this, I will be lying again.The  truth is  I will not leave the pains and hurts. I will not forget the life wracking experience. I will not be a new "I." I will not trek a new life. I will not change paths. I will not change for the better.

    Absurd? No. It is what my heart dictates. Let me tell you why.

    I will dwell on the pains and hurts. Thus, I can feel the excruciating feeling as it penetrates my soul. I will understand the repercussions of what cause me pain. In the end, I will be numb. I will be stronger. I will be brave to face whatever comes.

    I will not forget the worst experiences I have ever had. I will always keep them in my mind so I will be reminded of the learning I have learned. No matter how bitter the pill. I will have to have it in my mouth till I absorb all its bitterness. Thus, I will not take the same pill again for I have known the experience. I will be afraid to swallow it again.

        I will not trek a new life nor I will change path for it is a wrong way to do so.  I just have to continue the life I am living. I cannot afford to live a life unfinished for it will go to waste. I have to treasure the "I" that God gave. I have to continue it. I can’t change path in a flick of a finger. Slowly, I should change gear. I should take time.Thus, I will not make wild turns. I will not lose my way.

    Lastly, I will not change for the better for I can’t. The reality is that I always do things at my best. Doing better is getting into mediocrity. In times, I fail not because I did not do my best. Only God thinks those were not for me. He knows I deserve other things.

       When the new year comes, I will continue life. With God’s help. I will survive.Thank you for my year. I have become "I"

     Jemae Yara is my twin sister. Biologically, we are not, Inspirationally, we are.

      Jemae was still in grade six when I voluntarily started visualizing dream for her. I have started admiring her since then. She won 4th in copyreading in the field of 100 contestants in the National Press Conference. I knew then that she was destined for greatness. I commited myself to do my best to give her the pedestal she rightfully deserves.

     Triumphs are routinary for her. Her intelligence and charms are her weapons. Her focus in life sets her different from my other proteges. She knows what she wants. She utilizes her time at her advantage.

    All this time, I wholeheartedly back her. In every contest that comes, I always have her in my mind as my contestant. In every show that I do, I eye her as the star. Yes, I love Jemae. He giftedness for me is a treasure. All the while I thought that she didn’t know.

     When the memo for the 1st Quezon idol came, I already had her in my mind. I suggested Mr. Uriarte that she should be fielded in. She was first reluctant. I was insistent. I knew Jemae didn’t need the 100,000 pesos  cash prize. The break she deserved for it was time that other people recognized her exemplary talent.

     I watched all elimination except one. I studied her dance and singing movements. He countenance, I scrutinized. After a series of elimination and from 28 contestants, they were narrowed to 5 finalist. Jemae was always on top. The pressure was on her. All eyes were on her. That time, I took the cudgel. I would give her the stars.

     December 18, I waited for her text. I wanted to know the update about her production for the finals night. The text came at 11 p.m. She was apolegetic. She didn’t reveal to me that something was wrong. Like a real sibling, I knew that things were not okey. I insisted to see her the next morning. I had to see her. I was worried. I slept with her in my mind. The cellphone was on my breast.

     December 19. I woke up at 5 a.m. I was in school at 7. I waited for her. She came past 7. She seemed tired. The more I was worried when I learnt that she had colds. We lost no time. We refined her movements. We had a briefing for the question and answer portion. We perfected the introduction. She was ready to be the star. Before she went to her fitting, I asked her about the practices and the contest. She told me about the discrimination that she observed. I appeased her by telling her that those are part of the game. Determination was again on her. I felt it. The night will be hers. The best thing about Jemae is she believes in herself and she believes in me. She kissed me as she bade goodbye.  That was the first time she did kiss me. I took it as a sign. A kiss of triumph was the meaning.

    I was at the Quezon Convention Center at 6 p.m. Unfortunately, we waited for four hours before the show started because of power failure. When the program kicked, I was in haze. The excitement of the contest ruled me. I saw jemae’s every move on stage. I felt the pain when criticisms were given her. My heart was in jubilation when Director Fritz Infante commended her as worthy to be a Bb. Pilipinas candidate and as the best ambassadress of Quezon. I took pride as she answered the question given her with bravura. She could put any Ms. Philippines into shame.

    Announcement came. As every name was called to be eliminated, I was praying hard.  When two were left, I stopped breathing.I looked at Jemae. I was mumbling her name. Then her name was called. She was the grand winner. I stood up, shouting her name. Others did too. From afar, I was the happiest. I have fulfilled a vision.

    Then, Arnel ignacio called the representative of Sacred Heart College to get the computer prize for the sponsoring group. My colleagues forced me to claim the prize.I went near the stage. Then, Jemae saw me. She got the microphone and recognized me publicly as the person behind her winning. Tears welled. I went up on stage .We embraced each other. Time froze. Emotions broke loose.

    I cried for didn’t expect jemae to such noble gesture. With the scores of winners I had produced, no one took the initiative to do what Jemae did. There are even times that my trainees are too drunk of success that they did not remember. Jemae was different. I was not wrong for loving her. All this time, it turned out that she knows I love her so dearly. She is my sister, my twin sister.

    I went home. It was 2:30 am. I lay on my bed. I looked at the ceiling. Suddenly, I got a text message. Jemae again thanked me. Her last words were very important. She wrote, "luv u." I thanked her. Later, my sleep was peaceful.

    Oftentimes, I share a part of me. The part I have given is left empty. Then, others reciprocate by giving themselves. They fill up the vacuum in me. After, their gift of person covers my being as a protective shield. I become whole again. A new me emerges. God rules.

    Jemae is now a star. Mission accomplished. I am now ready for the next assignment.

     "Look at the stars. We are those stars."

     "But there are three?"

      "Yes, that is right. The one at the left is I. The one at the right is you."

      "And who is at  our middle?"

    "It’s God!."

     Then I felt a certain warmth as the cold breeze touched my skin.  I felt security. I didn’t understand the situation. I just knew that I was happy being with  John Joseph. That was twelve years ago. I beautiful friendship blossomed. Since then, everytime I look at the stars, I remember him. My heart leaps.

     The night started a bond we didn’t intentionally work on. It happened that very time that complications in our life set in. When he graduated, I thought the bond would break soon like my other relationships. But it didn’t. Once or twice a year, he would see me in the house. Those times were happy moments. He cracked jokes. He told me things about his life. I listened. I appreciated him more. I always look forward to those meetings.

    When he passed the licensure for engineers, I was among the first persons he informed. When his father died, he broke the sad news to me. When he got his 1st job, he updated me. When he went abroad, he told me. In all the big news in his life, he has made me a part. The more I have loved the guy for the trust.

    Last night, I browsed my friendster account, I got a message from him. The subject was "I miss my friend." Smile was on my face. Actually, I don’t miss him. He has been in my heart all this time. He has never left.He makes me happy.

     We didn’t promise forever in our friendship. But we have stayed as friends. The relationship is not ideal. The relationship has not been smooth. I was even weak as I got confused the way I saw him. He knew it. Fortunately, he understood. He didn’t judge. He held on. I held on.

     Until now, I stil keep the things he has given me.  After more than a decade, we are getting stronger. I am sure of one reason. God holds us together. He is between us.

    Tonight, I will look for the three stars. I will be happy.

   By the way, John Joseph was the first guy to say I love you to me and to kiss me. Shock? He did.

   He did ……………………………………………………………………………………on my 22nd birthday.

   Take care JJ. Mang Diego loves you. Stay on the chubibo of life. (LOL)

     When September came, I began thinking about the things I wanted this christmas. Here was my list.

    First, I like to have a new pair of shoes. My black school shoes are already torn. The soles can’t be anymore fixed with glue. Second, I want a new pair of jeans. I bought my last pair 6 months ago. Third, I pray for a spa. I am thinking that I need to relax. My schedule is so hectic that sometimes, I forget to comb my hair. The relaxation of my muscles is a passion.  Fourth, I dream to go to Disneyland, I have been thinking of it since I have heard facts about the entertainment it offers.  Seeing Micky Mouse is realizing a long time dream.

    Fifth, I plan to buy a new laptop. I am simple ecstatic when you talk about technology. I know that I can optimally use such in my job. Imagine, I will have power point presentatioons in my lessons. It will be cool. Sixth, I like to buy an ipod. I envy Mr. Aquino every time he uses his. I like to have the serenity of listening to the MYMP songs undisturbed by outside distractions. Seventh, i feel like buying a new watch. I have not had a watch for a year now. It will also best add to my fashion style. Sassy! People will drool with my time piece. Eight, I intend to buy vcd movies. I have been missing watching movies. I will make my collection of Audrey Hepburn films. The plan will be awesome. Nine, I will stay in a hotel for 3 nights and comfort myself with its amenities. I like to experience the life of the rich and famous. The experience will surely be worth remembering.Ten,  I will puchase a 29" TV. Watching on such big screen is a treat. My movies will surely have a cinema experience. I can’t imagine the pleasure.

     I looked at my list over and over again. I prioritized. I had enough money to buy some of those. All of a sudden, I remembered my brother and mother. I began thinking about the things they needed.

     One afternoon, I asked my brother to shop at SM. I was happy when I saw him enjoying the spree. Then, I got my mom’s medicines for the month. We bought some clothes for her. When I gave them to her, she was more than ecstatic. The extra money, I will save it on Christmas day. We will experience bounty that day. We will be happy souls on that moment. We will celebrate the day. We have not done it for 3 years. Sickness barred us to celebrate as one. I know God will grant me the request. He loves me.

      I make this writing with satisfaction. The feeling of knowing that my loved ones are pacified is more than enough for me. I am more blessed in such instance.

   At times, I think of things I want for myself. I think that they will make me happy. Never do I know that I can be happier when I see others happy. Seeing my brother and mother joyful is more than what I wanted.

      Jesus is so kind. He makes me understand

(Merry Christmas readers. Just don’t forget the reason ofthe season. Enjoy the holidays.) 

     The anouncement came like an ominous warning. Contestant number 12 won. I glanced at contestant number 10. I stealthily did it so as not to get his attention. I saw the disappointment on his face. I wanted to stand and to approach him. I wanted to embrace him and to tell him that he should have won. But I got stuck on my seat. I couldn’t move. My limbs were shaking. Maybe, no one saw it. I shed a tear. The tear came from my bleeding heart.

    I consider it as the most disheartening loss I have ever had in my coaching career in oration. Paul Edson Regalado lost. I lost 100 times.

     I am no way related to him except he is my student. But, I know him so well. I have loved this guy since I heard his class confessions.I saw him once crying river as he narrated to his class the inadequacies he feels. He always belittles himself to his brother John Edison who was studious and was an achiever. Honestly, I know he got the wrong perception about things. His family loves him so much that they are forcing him to achieve more. He gets the idea on a wrong side of the coin. He thinks that he is always compared to his elder brother. When you talk about him about those things, all will be submerged into wet escapade. He would cry like torrential rains. With such, I share an emotional bond. I pity him.

     When I had the chance to train him for an oratorical contest, I took the cudgel. I wanted him to realize his worth as a person. Reciprocatingly, he responded. He trained religiously. He gave his heart into it. We won the area level. The ultimate goal was to have him win the district level( Rotary 3820 which includes region 4 and 5) .

    The night before the district contest, I prayed. I asked God to give him the championship crown. I know that would be crucial to him and that would give him a new lease of life. It was the most fervent prayer I had for a long time.

    Unfortunately, he lost. God did not grant my wish. It was heart breaking for other coaches approached me. They told me that we should have won. Personally, I also know he should have won. Only, the judges did not see his worth. It was hurting. I queried. Why did God did not give me the request? I just wanted Edson to be happy. I just wanted him to have a new reason to have a new lease of life. He did not give.  I shed a tear. I love Edson. He is like a brother already.

     After the announcement, we did not utter a word for a time. We were both waiting the chance to break the monotonous event. I started it all. I told him about the prayer I had that night. I revealed to him my goal of championship for him to have a new perpective on life. He shed a tear. My heart cried a thousand buckets. He just looked at the oblivion. We didn’t talk much after that. I wanted to console him. But, I don’t know how. I just shunned on my seat. I retreated back. I was lost in a haze.

    During the trip home, he seemed fine. He did not talk much. He slept. He seemed to have accepted everything. I looked at him once in a while. I would like to know what was in his mind. But I was clueless. The trip was long. I was thinking God’s message for the lost. Until then, I would not understand.

    When I reached home, I texted him. I told him what I felt about his lost. He texted back. He was fine. He felt bad not because he lost but because he did not win for me.

     I was surprised with that. The realization came like lightning.God’s intention was clear. He wanted us to appreciate each other in time of pain. He was truly wise. He knew how to teach us perfectly.

   Paul Edson Regalado is my champion.  God is my thinker. Praise God.