Toyjunk-The Dolphin

“Tita Paz is dead” Junjun broke me the sad predicament. The devastating news brought me to my knees. I couldn’t utter a word. My tongue literally curled in disbelief. I bit my lips. My whole body shrivered. I asked Junjun again. I tried to dissuade the fact. I wanted him to get back what he had said. I was praying that he was telling me a bad joke. But again he muttered, “Tita Paz is dead.” It was clear. It stabbed my heart a thousand times. Tears welled. I pulled Junjun inside the work room. It had not sunk in my sensibility. I asked him what happened. I was in disbelief when I heard the account. I was muttering words of negation as I listened. If only I could turn back the time. I decided not to immediately go and see her. I couldn’t think well. My blood pressure shot up. I felt my head thumping.I couldn’t move. I was lost in oblivion. I was frozen in time. When Tita Nini called me up, I broke down. Words mumbled. I couldn’t talk to her. When she realized that I was out of control, she opted not to continue talking to me. I cried loudly. I was in frenzy. The call was already off but I was still holding the phone firmly. I almost squeezed it to destruction. It took sometime before I was appeased. My co-teachers were beside me to console. Later, Junjun has left. I still didn’t move from my seat. Tears rolled. Then, good memories of Tita Paz came back. She had been a mother to us. Everytime I would leave home, I would always see her to ask her to look after the house, Junjun and Nanay. Everytime I had woes. She was there to listen and to offer solutions. When we lost househelp, she found us one. I grew up with her. I remember that I spent my summer vacations with her when I was a kid. Like her own son, she would lull me into sleep. The last loving thing she did for us was when she cooked for our media noche. That was also the last time that I talked to her. (Days were busy because of school. It kills me realizing this fact. If only I knew that time with her was short.) That night, I saw her in the coffin. I gazed her face. I tried to memorize its countour. I would not want to forget. Then, suddenly I thought that I saw her breathing. I thought her breast was moving with life. It took sometime before I realized that I was having hallucinations. Obviously, I was in denial. I wanted her to still be alive. The truth got into me for quite sometime. I always looked at her. In her side, I was praying that it was a nightmare. I was praying that I was just sleeping and for a time, I will wake up from the bad lull. For 4 days, I was in a trans of disbelief. Until, reality bit me during her internment. When I threw the flowers and let go of the balloons. I knew then that Tita was dead. On January 12, she died. Yes, she died on my birthday. It was my most memorable natal day. God has gotten a prized beloved. For the first time, my birthday prayer is for someone else. It was for Tita. This afternoon, I will pass her house again. I will shed tears again. I will moan for her lost again. I will never be tired of doing such. It is because I love Nanay Paz. I loved her like my mother. Tita Paz is Nanay Paz. ( It took me some time to write this piece. The devastation was great. Thoughts couldn’t be webbed. My eyes couldn’t be cleared. I cried rivers. I still cry.)

     Fifteen minutes before 2006, firecrackers were lighted to spark the now noisy midnight. Supposedly, it should have been a regular new year. The festivities were routinary. The merry making was usual. But that night, I did something for the first time. The explosion in my life was gargantuan that everything came into a lull. It was placid after. I felt different.I felt him.

     At our door, I looked at a distance. I marveled at the sights. The colors of lights clouded my eyes. The reverberating and irritating sounds hovered my ears.  The nauseating smoke penetrated my nosetrils.  I stood at the door undaunted. I was not affected even a tinge by the scenario before me. In that ironic state, I was in complete joyous state. I was even shedding tears of joy. However, no one seemed to notice. Joy emanates within my chasms.

    In the last seconds of the year, I uttered the prayer of thanks. Though life had not been so smooth, I have survived the odds. God has shown me the way in all respect. He has never abandoned me. I adhere to him. I have known that when you offered everything to him. He takes charge. Though he guides, I still call my shots. I have never gone awry.  Though some things did not go the way I like, I still feel the perfection of things.I understood life better.

    This is the first time that I prayed amid such festivities. This is the first time that I thank God at this time. This is the first time that I understood the essence of life. My prayer is an act greater than the explosion that transpired that evening. Everything changed in me. As i shed those tears, i muttered word of thanks countlessly. I couldn’t explain the happiness I felt. I couldn’t decipher the jubilation that ruled me. I just knew one thing. That one important moment belonged to the Lord. I gave him my reverence. I gave him that time-the most treasured thing that I possess that moment.

    The new year had  come. I was still standing at the door. The signts were no longer clear for my tears have blocked my sight. The only things  definite were my words of praise and surety  of feeling of gratitude. Then, my brother called me for us to eat. I muttered my last words before I heeded to the call. "

    Thank you for loving me, Jesus. Take care of my being. You are my captain. You know where should I be. Thank You.Bless me."

     Next year, I will do it again. It feels great. The prayer will tear my heart in to pieces of gratitude. It will explode again. My words of praise will hit its most explosive state. Hopefully, It will hit me hard to make me more alive. Jesus will dwell in me in such instance.

    Happy New Year! God Bless.