Toyjunk-The Dolphin

     Minutes ago, I shed a tear.

    The reason is the cold treatment I got from a close friend.

    Arnel, crying, is his norm. People will find my crying nothing new. People will find my reason of crying shallow. Don’t judge me. I really feel pain. I need you to know because containing it will result the explosion of my heart like the H bomb.

    I am a cry baby but the tear I shed recently came from a reason the penetrated my chasm. The feeling is like the grind of a stone mill to crush tiny particles of rice to a powder form. The pain is so much that I gave out my loudest cry in my heart. Nothing came out of my mouth but that was too loud that the thousand drums can’t be heard. The bang in my heart was so hard that my heart stopped breathing and my heart got mutilated in shreds.

     Yes, I shed a tear. I felt pain. It was so painful that I prayed for my soul’s valvation.

     I shed a tear but it will be my last for that reason. I now know. I am now wise.

    It is summer but I feel cold that I froze in time.

     My heart froze like cubes of ice. Melting them needs the heat of inferno. The heat will give me relief. I can be my form again.

    A lesson gets in through my sanity. It spells out this hard fact. "People close their door on you for the mistakes you have made. No matter how hard you try to repent, you will never have the understanding. Instead, you get derision of doubt. You will live with the judgement forever."

     You can never make  a cloth mudied clean again."Surf and Tide fail this time.

    Well, the tabula "rasa theorem" is so true that I am now ensigned with a mark.

    "LOSER." It is in my forehead that everyone can read.

    Life is so harsh. Life plays in a cheat. I will play life despite that. I will win.

    I will savor its sweetness.

        I eat three times a day. I can buy my needs. We have househelp. I live in a big house. I eat in a restaurant every week. I have a camera cell-phone. I have regular facial. I am poor ….poorer. Ironic!

          Lalay (our househelp) came to our house at 1:00 p.m. I was irritated for she should have come 7:30 a.m. I was ready to belt out harsh words of irritation. I am paying him enough and I don’t deduct her past absences. But that moment was getting my ire. I had enough. I gathered all courage so I could tell her what I wanted her to know. I would tell her to decide if she was giving up her job because she couln’t cope with her responsibilities. I looked at her sternly. I was ready to give her the painful blow of my words when suddenly she cried.

     She got my weakness. Her crying has brought me pity in an instance. My emotion took a 180 degree turn. I asked her the reason for such tears. She gloomily told me that she came late for she just came from a meeting. A news about her stabbed my heart. Their two-week house will be demolihed to give way for a construction of a school.

     I couldn’t move. My tongue got tied. I would not know what to say. It seemed I was zapped. I felt what she felt. I didn’t cry for I didn’t want her to know that I pity her. The pain in my heart crushed my internal organs. I was very hungry for no apparent reason. The fact is that I had just finished my lunch. What happened to me was a situation that I feel everytime I feel helpless. I wanted to help Lalay but I didn’t have the power. I had the reason but I didn’t know how.

    I just told her to pray. I told her to just take it lightly. Things will be okey. I said it uneasily. I was uneasy because I am telling her of something unsure. I then asked her to go to the kitchen and to get her food to eat. I did such to get out of the situation. I was so sad that Lalay is poor and that her house will be demolished soon. But I am sadder because I couldn’t help her.

    So, Filipinos are poor. I couldn’t claim that I feel okey for I can eat three times a day and I can sustain my needs.I may not be classified poor .I may not be poor because I am earning enough. But, the truth is I am poorer because I can’t help my brethren.

     I hate to be poorer. I will help.

      I embraced sadness. I hugged it tight one day. It was so tight that I couldn’t breathe.

    For two days, I warmed my bed. I was sleepy but I wanted to lie all day. There was no volition to work. There was no urge even to eat. I didn’t even want to stand. I never had this gloom for months. I was in deep thoughts. I was reflecting on things. I was in state of loss.

    Do not think that I have been jilted by a lover. It will never happen. I told myself not to fall in the arms of love. Pain haunts me in such instance. 

    Do not think that I failed in an endeavor. It will never happen that I will feel bad in failing. I have perfected the art of failure. I always come out as a winner amid defeats.  I bring out the best in me in every failure.

    Do not think that I have gone nuts that I feel sad for no apparent reasons. My bolts are still tight. Think of the biggest problem that has beset mankind. I unfortunately had passed them for sure.

    So, why I am sad? It is because of Aldred. Aldred? Yes, Aldred. He is Aldred of Pinoy Big Brother.

      "Why Aldred? Why be sad?"

    Maybe, if you would ask such questions personally to me, you will do it on top of your lungs with a matching punch at my head to try to wake me up from a trance of insanity.

     I will reiterate. I am sad because of Aldred. I don’t know if I can convince you of my sanity. Still, I will explain to you.

     I understand Aldred. He was put in a situation which was not his world. He had to mingle with people which was not his kind (Though they are of the same age.) He was put amid the eye of the public with his every move watched. He had to do things which were not his choice. In short, he was robbed of himself. He was not happy. I was not happy for him because of that. So, when he chose to leave the house and when he chose to be himself again, I knew he made the right decision.

     As he left that house that night, I glued my eyes on the boob tube. I shed a tear for Aldred. I felt him within me. When he left, I was hoping to see the smile back on him. Unfortunately, there was none. Things were heavy. I felt Aldred. The pain in him penetrated my chasm. I became Aldred.I understood him.

      The whole sunday, I waited for a news about him.But, he opted to shun away from the limelight. That gave me more queries. Is he alright? How is he? Will he be okey? Those questions lingered.

     That Sunday night, I watched his last moments in the PBB house. He was acting weird. He was skeptic. He affirmed that he was not himself. He had lost himself. I cried again. I was hoping that I was there. I was hoping that I can shield him from the situation. I was hoping that I could be his warrior. I was hoping that I would be his refuge. I didn’t sleep. I thought of him. I texted some friends, trying to fish out some consoling moments. I didn’t get any. The night was long. I only thought of Aldred. I felt him.

    I lay on my bed the whole day. Reflecting on the feeling. I got a text message. It gave me light. It gave me answers. I realized that I was sad because I was Aldred. I see myself in him. I was put in  the same situation wherein I couldn’t be me. I did the same thing. I made choices. I left people.I made sarcifices.I chose to be me again.

        I still feel bad for Aldred but I know he will be well. He made right choice. I did too. He will be happy too.

     ( You would probably ask what text message brought me into my feet and what text message put me back to my senses. I got a text message from Jessica Bayona. She called me Dolphin. No one has called me such for a long time. Presto!Recollections falashed like a movie in my mind. It made me recall the past-a past where I learned life. I was zapped into reality. I found the strong I again.

    By the way, if you know Aldred, tell him that I felt for him. Tell him that I understand him. I hope it will ease the pain.

     Aldred, the world is yours. God loves you)